Haunting Thoughts

Just came back from exhaustive hrs of college. Felling damn bugged and I have a very strong yearning to be hugged by someone.

I feel so lonely at times. Even when I'm in the midst of a large group of people, there are times when I feel absolutely cut off and disconnected. People around me keep talking, laughing, joking, chatting, but I hear nothing except the voices in my head. And these voices are disillusioned, sad, pensive, questioning. These voices make me see uselessness in everything.

Then a conflict starts within me: between my optimism and my pessimism. More often than not, my pessimism takes hold of me. I become cranky and cynical and closed. I feel like keeping myself away from everything that can hurt me and harm me.

Then somewhere down the road, I come across Mr. Optimism and Miss Practicality (dunno why I'm using these genders). They shake me up and tell me to move on - to get out of the web of my thoughts and get back to the ( sick) reality.

So I do as they say. I smile and laugh and joke around and evade my own thoughts. But somewhere deep down I know my thoughts will come back... And they do...

Emptiness

So finally I'm kind of over the shit that had depressed me for so long. But now an emptiness has seeped into my life. I don't feel very pessimistic, but I don't feel optimistic either. I try very hard to hope, but it's not that easy....

I think I can tolerate this emptiness if I can be happy in it, if I can just forget about everything and everyone else....and just be content - in the emptiness: a feeling of happiness mixed with sadness - happiness, because I'm free of the strings, the fetters; and sadness, because I'm free of the strings, the fetters...

Dear....

Do you know that in my thoughts I talk to you so much? Do you know that every second night I dream of you? Do you know that I constantly think that I won't think of you anymore? Do you know that in thinking this I constantly think of you? And do you know that I then hate you for being in my life, and I hate myself for having let you be a part of my life...

Sometimes I wonder: why do I let people enter my life, make space for themselves, and then walk out, leaving me with just emptiness and questionmarks?

Writing the above sentence was so self derogatory...almost as if I'm pitying myself... But it's not pity that I feel for myself... I only wonder: why did you do what you did? Maybe deep down I know the answers. And maybe deep down I even feel you're justified. But I still feel that it was not fair...not fair to me. Perhaps, I had too little of you...and maybe that was also for a reason.. But you know what? I just don't want to see any reason... It's only my heart that speaks, and it's only my heart that I listen to...
Am i doin something wrong..??????

Angry wid...

Sometimes knowing more then we need to know is needed. Sometimes you need that extra pain of details .. let it bleed out, so you can move on....

I'm angry .. !!and ur stupid..

Murphy's Law..

Murphy's law (also known as Finagle's law or Sod's law) is a popular adage in Western culture, which broadly states that things will go wrong in any given situation. "If there's more than one way to do a job, and one of those ways will result in disaster, then somebody will do it that way." It is most commonly formulated as "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." -



And, if I can atest, be a voice of some sort - Holy shit does it. When you think nothing else can go wrong it always does. Just when you think it may finally be over there is another curve ball headed your way at 120 mph.

I have to say, there are a few things I have learnt in my lifespan (however short or long you think it is):

- Love with all your heart cuz that is the only way to go. At least you go down a champion.
- Do not and I emphasize DO NOT admit what isn't necessary to hear.
- Get over your past and bury it. No one has time for a trip down your memory lane.
- Be compassionate to others but do not lose yourself in the process.
- Do your job to the best you can.
- Give it your all, whatever it may be, and walk away knowing you really tried.
- Know when to let go.
- Accept change as a constant. Stagnancy is irritating.
- Give everyone the respect they give you.
- Listen to those around you. You never know when what they say may answer all that burdens you.
- Fuck religion! Be a good person first. (nowadays that seems to be a hard enough task)

Okay, enough for now. If I think of anymore I'll post it up here.

The Human Brain

If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand, we would still be so stupid that we wouldn't be able to understand it.

Close call and a love that kills

no one ever told me that loving my phone too much would kill the battery. :-[ but all is fixed now. yay for verizon people!

I need encouragement

Holy shit do I have a crappy schedule this semester. From 8 am to 2 am ,well actually more than tht depending on ones will..:(without sparing a fucking day in da week. And ths sem is supposed to be very cool goin type..damn, they are just super hard. No sleep, no nothing for the next 2 more weeks. Holy Giggle Berries is that a long time. So give me some encouragement and wish me luck. This week isn't even over yet and already I'm stressed. I'll probably be posting a lot more because I'll be so stressed and I'll need a place to vent. Anyways, back to studying. Errrrr.

You...

Now the thing.. about missing is that.. it doesnt matter if you are the cause that turned away the person you are missing.. it doesnt matter if you turned her off and you so totally hate that.. it doesnt matter if you have been rude and horrible and mean and cant even tell her now that you miss her.. it doesnt matter if she will laugh at you or she will say yeah right or she'll simply get irritated or feel contempt whn she knows you miss her.. the thing about missing is that.. you cant listen to your head.. your mind.. you cant tell yourself why you should or shouldnt.. it doesnt care about time or distances.. it doesnt even care about differences. the thing about missing is that.. this feeling just stays.. no matter what caused it.. your own fault or theirs.. and it doesnt go away.. no matter how far ahead the road you have travelled. It keeps taking you back, keeps making you look it in the eye, keeps doing what cant let you turn away..

i miss you so much:*.